Lay bashfulness, that rustic virtue, by;
To manly confidence thy thoughts apply.
– Ovid, ‘Ars Amatoria’ I, transl. John Dryden
In the previous post in this series on seductive social skills, we considered how to smoothly approach a woman, in just about any situation, to start a conversation with her. Now, before we move on to what to say, and before you open your mouth, let’s not forget it’s not just what you say but how you say it as well.
So, I think you’ll want to listen carefully here. This post is probably the most important of all in this series. Indeed, social psychologists say about two thirds of human communication is non-verbal. And, I think experience bears this out. Even if your words are faultless then, you’ll still fall flat on your face at the start if your non-verbal communication, or how you conduct yourself, doesn’t charm the nymph too.
So then, I’ve got twelve potent and seductive non-verbal communication skills here for you to consider and practise. And, these make all the difference. Mastering these then will greatly increase your chances of success when you open your mouth and speak.
1) Project a relaxed and quietly confident disposition
Relax and walk calmly, smoothly, and gracefully, without overly sudden, aggressive, or jerky movements. The key here, as it is throughout, is charm – as Yalden’s translation of Ovid, in the second book his Ars Amatoria (Art of Love), suggests:
The hawk we hate that always lives in arms;
The raging wolf that ev’ry flock alarms;
But the mild swallow none with toils infests,
And none the soft Chaönian bird molests.
In this post’s epigraph, however, and Dryden’s translation of the first book of Ovid’s Ars Amatoria (Art of Love), our teacher also instructs us to …
Lay bashfulness, that rustic virtue, by;
To manly confidence thy thoughts apply.
Whilst I’ve taken these lines slightly out of their context, this principle still applies here. After all, you can’t be too bashful now. So, by and large you’ll want to project a quietly confident and manly sort of posture: like head up, shoulders slightly back, and chest out sort of thing, but without puffing yourself up, strutting, or otherwise compensating for any underlying fears and insecurities.
It’s as well to remember, though, that signs of a little nervousness at first can also be, and be perceived as, indicative of genuine attraction.
2) Comport yourself congenially
Along with this relaxed and quietly confident demeanour, you’ll also want to project a more or less cheerful or otherwise congenial mood. The key again is charm. So, ordinarily, you’ll want to be tactful and real and not overly, or disingenuously, happy or excited.
3) Make conscious eye contact
Whilst you may not be able to say all you feel from the start with your mouth and your tongue, you’re, nonetheless, unlikely to be censored for what you say with your eyes, as Dryden’s translation of Ovid here, in the first book of his Ars Amatoria (Art of Love), suggests:
Then may your eyes confess your mutual fires;
(For eyes have tongues, and glances tell desires.)
Fully engage her then by seductively locking eye contact and searching the windows of her soul. The eyes are powerful weapons of seduction, which women frequently employ.
Many women will readily admit, or even declare, meanwhile, that they too are susceptible to these ocular charms. What’s more, I think you’ll find sometimes that what a woman says with her eyes is often more lascivious than anything she might upbraid you for saying. Needless, to say, though, that seldom means it’s on right there and then, so to speak. Instead, it’s usually but an often significant move in the seductive dance of flirting.
By and large then, women are fluent in the language of the eyes. We do well to listen then and speak this language too – as the extraordinary lover Giacomo Casanova observes, translated here by Arthur Machen:
In the public walks, the churches, the theatres, the Spanish women are always speaking the language of the eyes. If the person to whom it is addressed knows how to seize the instant, he may be sure of success, but if not, the opportunity will never be offered him again.
4) Behold the beauty and unique qualities of her face
Admire the beauty and the unique qualities that you see in her face. Your own face then should charm her as it glows in response and reflects your admiration.
So then, you needn’t hide your adoration – as the extraordinary poet Samuel Taylor Coleridge notes, in his Table Talk (July 23, 1827):
The man’s desire is for the woman; but the woman’s desire is rarely other than for the desire of the man.
5) Be attentive and fully present to her in the moment
Be present in the moment. Listen to and observe her attentively. And pay close attention, in particular, to what she communicates non-verbally.
The plainest man who pays attention to women will sometimes succeed as well as the handsomest man who does not. Wilkes observed to Lord Townsend, ‘You, my Lord, are the handsomest man in the kingdom, and I the plainest. But I would give your lordship half an hour’s start, and yet come up with you in the affections of any woman we both wished to win; because all those attentions which you would omit on the score of fine exterior, I should be obliged to pay, owing to the deficiencies of mine.’
6) Speak clearly and don’t rush it
Distinctly uttered words are often perceived as indicative of inner strength and confidence. In contrast then, rushing your first words, and your conversation, is likely to communicate you’re fearful and anticipating rejection. Plus, hastily spoken words are simply harder to follow and not usually seductive. What’s more, she’s likely to feel uneasy herself if you’re too anxious and rushing your words.
Speaking slower, though, will also give you more time to think on your feet.
The odd dramatic or pregnant pause, meanwhile, can also help build a little intrigue and anticipation. And, women are frequently fascinated by and susceptible to intrigue – as William Scott Downey notes, in one of his Proverbs:
To awake a woman’s curiosity is to make her pliable.
7) Project a calm, clear, and smooth tone of voice
Needless to say, some voices are more charming than others. A clear, calm, and resonant tone is usually far more charming and seductive than a loud and aggressive tone, a grunting tone, a squeaky tone, or a quiet and mumbled tone. So, if needed, work on your tonality then.
I recall once reading a woman’s Internet dating profile in which she’d listed her top turn ons, one of which was ‘a voice like smooth velvet’. So, there it is from the horse’s mouth, so to speak. I couldn’t have put it much better myself. The power of a clear, calm, and resonant tone of voice then shouldn’t be underestimated.
8) Match her mood and energy
If she’s not terribly happy and buoyant, she’s unlikely to appreciate it if you start off overly, or disingenuously, cheerful and excited. The key again, of course, is charm. Your goal here then is to be tactful and make her feel at ease enough to engage in conversation. So, meet her where she’s at then, so to speak, or thereabouts, before moving on from there.
9) Assume rapport
Right now, you’re effectively strangers. And, strangers don’t often enjoy rapport. What’s more, in one way or another, people are often wary of strangers. That’s not usually very romantic, sexy, or seductive. So, you’ll want to move beyond the stranger zone and towards the lover or potential lover zone as soon as you can, or even make it feel something like you’ve never been strangers at all.
A technique that can help you here is assuming rapport. You can assume rapport by sort of imagining, and acting as if, the woman is already your friend, or an old friend or lover you’ve not seen in a while. So now you sort of act like that old friend or lover who’s glad to see her again and wants to catch up. You’ll be talking then more like you’re already acquainted and not strangers at all. This simple technique can help give the interaction a more relaxed and congenial vibe.
Some women, however, may perceive this as a bit odd or presumptuous if you do this, or over do this, right from the start. You’ll need to calibrate it accordingly then and maybe postpone this more familiar vibe until she’s started investing more in the interaction too.
10) Project a sexual vibe
Tactfully demonstrate and subtly use your sexuality to create that ‘chemistry’ or ‘spark’ by projecting a sexual vibe. You can engage a woman in a seemingly normal, innocuous conversation that also has a palpable but discreetly subtle erotic undercurrent. If they’re attracted to you, you’ll find lots of women do this too without any overt reference to anything sexual at all. That’s how I began to do it. I simply observed that women often did it and sort of emulated them. It spices up the interaction and creates the chemistry and passion to drive it on to escalating levels of intimacy.
The key here then is to simply allow yourself to feel, and not repress, the sexual attraction and passion you feel. You might imaginatively extrapolate how you feel then and visualize your homage and the consummation of your love and ardent desires. (Ordinarily, though, you’ll want to avoid jumping the gun and explicitly verbalizing this to avoid an often unpleasant response. But, that’s when the eyes can be so eloquent.) This then is the erotic undercurrent of the conversation. It should make your eye contact, tone of voice, body language, and overall vibe that much more sexy and seductive.
Like assuming rapport, however, some women may not feel comfortable if you do this, or over do this, right from the start. You may need to calibrate it accordingly then and postpone it somewhat until she’s showing signs of attraction to you.
11) Be polite and respectful of her time and space
Needless to say, you’ll also want to be suitably tactful and respectful. Yes, you want to engage her in conversation if you possibly can. And you might need to be a little creatively persistent. But, persistence can be charming. That’s determined but tactful and respectful. Needless to say, you don’t want to be an unwelcome intruder she can’t wait to get rid of, like, say, an aggressive telemarketer.
A certain degree of resistance, meanwhile, doesn’t always reflect what she really feels or might feel in time – as this quote attributed to Oscar Wilde observes:
Woman begins by resisting a man’s advances and ends by blocking his retreat.
12) Be generally personable and charming
Others might stress the importance here of having or obtaining ‘social proof’ – or, in simpler terms, of being or appearing to be popular – to manufacture perceived social status and thus engender a sort of group conformity. I’m avoiding this, however, and taking a slightly different view that’s more suited, I think, to a more independent-minded and extraordinary lover.
Whilst appealing to the underlying fears and insecurities that engender group conformity, and a socially relative competitive impulse, is ill-suited, I think, to an extraordinary lover, being, and being seen to be, generally personable and charming is, nonetheless, helpful, without it being an attempt to garner ‘social proof’. Being generally sociable and charming then can help you achieve and secure a more comfortably gregarious and extroverted state of mind. What’s more, it can help you demonstrate your more sociable and charming traits as a prelude to an ensuing seductive interaction.
If you’re in an environment with other people then, like a café, a bar, or a shop, and she sees you chatting and exchanging small talk with the cashier, the waitress, or other people in the environment, she’ll have already seen some your socially charming traits when you start to talk to her. And so, she’s more likely then to be open to your attentions than had she not.
And so then, that’s twelve potent and seductive non-verbal communication skills I’ve armed you with here. Have fun practising and perfecting them, wisely with love, until they’re second nature and part of your character as an extraordinary lover.