A Lover’s Guide to Scintillating Small Talk for Getting to Know a Woman

Day-dream image
‘Day-dream’ by Emile Louis Foubert (1848-1911). Image from ‘Salon Illustré’ (1888)

To whatsoever side she is inclin’d,
Suit all your inclinations to her mind:
Like what she likes, from thence your court begin;
And whom she favours, wish that he may win.

– Ovid, ‘Ars Amatoria’ I, transl. John Dryden

In the previous posts in this series on seductive social skills, we’ve considered how to approach and start a conversation with a woman in any one of numerous situations. Now you’ve got this far then, you’ve learnt how to approach and start a conversation with a beauty you’d have probably only been gawping at before.

‘But, yikes, now what? What do we talk about now? What do I do? Will the conversation just flow? And what do I do if it doesn’t?’

So, it’s time now to move the interaction on. In this post then, you’re going to prepare to engage the nymph in conversation, and start getting to know her, with some scintillating small talk.

The basics of getting-to-know-you small talk

What ordinarily happens next when two strangers meet and begin a conversation is the usual small talk of getting-to-know-you questions and answers. You know, the usual questions, like …

  • ‘What’s your name?’
  • ‘Where do you come from?’
  • ‘What do you do for a living?’
  • ‘What are you up to now?’

Often, though, these questions are a little too predictable and dull.

Nonetheless, questions and answers are the basic nuts and bolts of conversation. They help us start orientating ourselves to each other. Ordinarily then, both parties need to invest here with questions, answers, and comments that are engaging enough to sustain the conversation and advance the interaction.

It maybe, though, that the woman’s shy at first, or just coy, or simply wary and reluctant to invest in the conversation. So, you may find yourself asking questions and only getting short answers, and no counter-questions, in return. If you carry on like this then, it’s going to feel like an interrogation of sorts.

What’s more, even when both parties contribute, this sort of question-and-answer small talk can feel a bit awkward – at least until you hit a topic that causes the conversation to soar. In the meantime, it may sound and feel rather like an interview. Ordinarily, that’s not the sort of vibe you’ll want. By and large, interviews aren’t so seductive, sexy, or fun.

'Songs of Spring' image
‘Songs of Spring’ by William-Adolphe Bouguereau (1825–1905). Image from ‘W. Bouguereau’ by Marius Vachon (1850–1928)

3 ways to make your small talk ‘sizzle’

1) Turn your questions into comments

Asking and answering the usual sort of getting-to-know-you questions then is how strangers usually interact at first. But that’s not the case so much with friends and family. Whilst friends and family do ask each other questions and answer them, they’re also familiar enough with each other to waive the sort of formality that’s more common amongst strangers. Instead, they often just share their thoughts and say what’s on their minds.

You can do something like this then with someone you’ve only just met as well by turning your questions into comments. So, instead of asking her where she’s from, for example, you can just observe her carefully and guess the answer. Then, you might say something like …

  • ‘You look (or sound) like you come from [wherever you think she might come from].’

What’s more, you can observe the way she looks, dresses, sounds, and so on, and make all sorts of guesses about her background, tastes, interests, and personality, and so forth based on your observations. Then, instead of asking questions, you can just share your thoughts as comments.

This accomplishes a number of helpful things:

  • It sets a more relaxed and informal, or natural, tone to what you say as well as the way you say it.
  • It helps you avoid the usual predictable questions and the awkward interview vibe.
  • You’re investing in the conversation, engaging her, and sharing your thoughts without first waiting to be asked. This makes it easier then for her to interact if she’s be a bit shy, coy, or otherwise reserved.
  • It’s likely to engage her whether your guesses are right or wrong. If you guess rightly, she’s likely to be intrigued by your perception and want to know how you knew. If you guess wrong, she’s likely to want to correct you and to wonder then why you thought that.

Needless to say, though, you’ll not want to do this all the time. But, this approach can certainly help, at times, to lubricate the conversation.

A similar approach you can also adopt here is to mentally ask yourself a question and then just verbally answer it, as if she asked you, but without first waiting to be asked. Then, you can use what you’ve said to preface asking her the same question. Or, you might just proffer your comment without asking her a question at all. Then observe her response.

So, instead, of asking her how her day was, for example, you might say …

  • ‘I’ve had a busy day today. So it’s nice now to wind down and relax here for a bit. (How was your day?)’

Meanwhile, you needn’t worry, though, if you can’t think of anything too clever to say. Instead, just assume some rapport and be ‘prosaic with passion’.

2) Assume rapport

Ordinarily then, at first, one, or both, of you is trying to establish rapport. So, this sort of conversation usually emphasises the fact that you’re strangers, and not friends or lovers. By assuming rapport, however, you can help yourselves move more quickly beyond the stranger zone, or even make it feel vaguely like you’ve known each other for ages, or, like ‘soul mates’, maybe even, in some way, forever.

We covered how to assume rapport in the second post in this series. But, since it’s relevant to our purpose here, it’ll help now to reconsider it.

So, here’s the brief explanation again from that earlier post on seductive non-verbal communication skills:

You can assume rapport by sort of imagining, and acting as if, the woman is already your friend, or an old friend or lover you’ve not seen in a while. So now you sort of act like that old friend or lover who’s glad to see her again and wants to catch up. You’ll be talking then more like you’re already acquainted and not strangers at all. This simple technique can help give the interaction a more relaxed and congenial vibe.

Some women, however, may perceive this as a bit odd or presumptuous if you do this, or over do this, right from the start. You’ll need to calibrate it accordingly then and maybe postpone this level of familiarity until she’s started investing more in the interaction too.

3) Be ‘prosaic with passion’

This little phrase has stuck in my mind ever since I first read it, some years ago now, in a book entitled How To Talk To Anyone by Leil Lowndes. More than anything else, Leil says, ‘Small talk is about putting people at ease.’ She says ‘almost anything you say is OK – as long as it puts people at ease and sounds passionate.’

The principle here then is that it’s not just about what you say but the way you say it as well. So, fear not and be boldly banal. As Leil notes, ‘No matter how prosaic the text, an emphatic mood, a positive demeanour, and passionate delivery make you sound.’ The key here then is to inject your otherwise commonplace small talk with a healthy shot of spontaneous passion.

Remember this acronym when you practise your small talk

You’ll want to get out and practise making small talk with some people you’ve not met before to perfect these skills and make them your own. When you’re out and about, however, it’s not always easy to remember what you’ve read. So, here’s an acronym I came up with to help you with your small talk.

Just remember ‘CAP’:

C – Comments (from questions).
A – Assume rapport.
P – ‘Prosaic with passion.’

In this post then, you’ve learnt now how to engage the nymph you’ve just met in some scintillating small talk by turning your questions into comments, assuming rapport, and being ‘prosaic with passion’.

And so, it’s time now to move the conversation on to explore her mind and create a connection. In the next post in this series then, we’ll consider 4 Conversational Keys for Exploring a Woman’s Mind.